We had a substitute PE teacher for my third year of secondary school as one of the full-time teachers was out on maternity leave. He was pretty relaxed and a good teacher so everybody was pretty comfortable with him. My two older brothers were in the years ahead of me, but we’re not obviously alike so some teachers didn’t know we were related at all. This story happened when the school got some new equipment, and being lazy/a quick changer I was helping two Fifth year boys set up some goal posts under the sub’s supervision. The second set was easier and only took two of us to put together..)
Me: “Lift it up… There! It’s on.”
Fifth Year 1:”Right, slide that bit over…”
Sub: “Thanks lads! And [me].”
Fifth Year 2:”There now, that’s a [our surname] Industries product there!”
Sub: “Wait.. Are you two…?”
Me and Fifth Year 1: “Yep.”
Fifth Year 2” Aye, she’s the baby of the family! Wee [nickname]!”
Sub : *look of not-unpleasamt disbelief*
Me: “Yeah, I’m the weird quiet one. He’s the boss. And [other brother in Fourth Year]’s Mammy’s Boy…”
(His jaw dropped a little further. It wouldn’t have been so bad if PE wasn’t one of the only classes my brothers didn’t slack off in!)
(This happened probably 14 or 15 years ago, when I was in Junior High school. I got bullied a lot by the other students, and I admit I did not handle it well and had a tendency to lash out at the other kids. However, one evening, I get a crank call from one of the girls who has a habit of bullying me claiming to be one of the boys who rides our bus. Please note: she has a *very* distinctive accent - the boy she’s pretending to be does not. And they otherwise sound nothing alike.)
Her: Hey, um.. *giggles in the backgorund* [My name], this is [boy’s name].
Me: *sighing* Hello, [her actual name]
Her: *shushing the girls in the background as I can hear them gasping* No, no [my name], it’s really me, [boy’s name]! I’m calling to tell you that I like you, and-
Me: [Her actual name], if this is the best you can come up with, then it doesn’t bode well for your creative writing assignment in English with [English teacher’s name]. You guys enjoy your sleepover.
(They still made fun of me and called me a loser. Although we all pretty much ignored each other after a while, and at this point, I don’t actually remember her name anymore.)
Professor: The San Andreas fault is a classic example of a San Andreas.
(He didn’t even notice that he said it.)
I had just recently moved and accidentally left a big jug of bubble solution at my former school. The teacher is to be honest, an idiot. One of my friends told me that one of the other students took my bubbles and put them on his desk.
Student 1: *Knocks container onto floor* “Oops!”
The cap to the bubbles has popped off and they’re spilling all over the floor
Teacher: *Picks up the container and immediately throws it back on the floor* It’s sticky!!!
Teacher “What kind of idiot puts dish soap and water in a container and keeps it on their desk?! What’s wrong with you guys?!”
Student 2: “They’re bubbles, not dish—“
Teacher: “What are you hiding in here? Are there drugs in this? What are you hiding?! Speak up NOW!”
Class: *Trying to explain the concept of bubbles to the teacher*
Teacher: “NO! I’m not interested in what you have to say! There are drugs aren’t there!!”
Student 2: NO! We would never do drugs! They are bubbles! Take the stick and blow through the holes. They will make bubbles”
Teacher: “No. If I blow through the holes, something will happen. You guys have rigged this”
Class: *Face Palming*
The teacher threw out the jug, but then decided to “Test them outside” to see what “Drugs” we hid in the bubbles. It had been like this all year, and my old class is just trying to live through this year. Good thing I moved.
(I am an aide at an elementary school. I usually go into one classroom on Wednesdays, however it is a Thursday. Student 1 is VERY set in schedules so if I come in a different day or time, he always questions it. Also note: It is a 4th/5th combo class.)
Student 1: What are you doing here? It’s not Wednesday.
Me: I know. But my schedule is unpredictable sometimes.
Student 1 and Student 2: Unpredictable?
Me: Yep. Do you know what that means?
Student 3: Not predictable.
Me: Exactly. Sometimes I just kind of float. I’m everywhere all the time.
Student 2: That must mean there’s more of you.
Me: Yeah. I’ve got clones.
Student 2: Where is your clone?
Me: At the beach.
Student 3: Will we meet her?
Me: No, she goes to the beach while I’m here. You’ll never see her…or any of my other clones.
Student 4: (very seriously) You don’t have *a* clone, you have *the* clone.
Me: The only one in existence?
Student 4: Yes.
Student 4: And it wears a Storm Trooper helmet.
Me: I am not the droid you’re looking for.
(Student 4 smiles and laughs)