High School

Bloomfield, CT

(I’m in a non honors Chinese class. We had just learned some syllables and sounds from the language)

Kid: Hey Miss I can speak fluently [Starts speaking gibberish  made out of the syllables] (Teacher just sits there, He stops)

(10 minutes later)

Kid: [Gibberish]

Teacher:[gets up goes to him leans in and stares right into his eyes] Welcome to earth.

Elementary School

San Diego, CA, USA

I’m chatting with a 5th grader in the lunch line. I am currently in 4th, and am a notorious book addict. As I near the lunch lady, the entire football team cuts in front of me. I’ve been waiting for 15 minutes already, so I decide to request them to move.

Me: Excuse me, guys, I was there.

One of them sneers at me.

Bully 1: Get outta the line, ya f**!

Bully 2: What’s wrong, cant

wait to bury yer face in cartoon swimsuits?!

They all laugh. Our library has an extensive collection of manga, and I’ve been known to read them for hours on end.

Me: That’s not fair! Manga is fun and easy to read! Besides, at least I know how to make retorts that make sense.

Bully 1: You callin’ me a retard?

Me: (condescendingly) Retort: to respond, to make a comeback, to possess a brain.

Bully 1: TEACHER! THIS GUY CALLED ME A RETARD

Bully 1 and 2 proceed to shove me up against the wall.

Bully 2: Ya f***in f***er! I show ya what really counts!

They proceed to rough me up. The fifth grader tries to help, but the lunch lady stops him.

Lunch Lady: Let him fight his own battles! You don’t see anyone helpin’ them, do ya?

After a few minutes, a teacher arrives and proceeds to scold me for calling them retards, and forces me to apologize. Even after I explain what retort means, the teacher maintains that I insulted them, that I made up the word retort, and then gives me a detention for knowing how to spell f** and f***, even when I tell him that the bullies said it first. Two months later, my dad got a new job, and we moved away. I’ve never been so happy to move since!

College

PA, USA

(My math teacher is an older Indian man who speaks English as a second language. When he’s writing on the board, he tends to make spelling an grammatical errors.) *While writing down instructions*

Teacher: To make the fraction simpler…..

*Writes the word “make” on the board, pauses, then erases the “e” leaving the word “mak” and continues.*

middle school

Pepperell, MA, USA

My sixth-grade class is in the middle of one of its DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) classes. A police officer has come to talk to us about why drugs are bad, etc, and then asks if there are any questions.

Student: “What do you think of the new [donut shop] in town?”

Officer: *long pause* “…I haven’t been there, yet.”

The class immediately erupts into shock, and a few students begin alternately scolding and mocking the police officer for not having been to the donut shop. ‘murrica!

Highschool

Brisbane, QLD, Australia

(I’m in the schools debating team. We have a nice coach, who teaches both me and my friends, and likes to joke around)

Teacher: (friend) is this your bus form?

Friend: Yeah, why?

Teacher: You didn’t put your name on it. The only reason I knew it was you because I thought: what idiot wouldn’t put their name on the form? Well, Kurtis, of course! At least (me) wrote half your debate. You’d be dead otherwise.

Friend 2: Why did you join debating anyway?

Friend: (me) promised me food! She said that the debates give us food! And sugar Friend 2: So you seriously mean, that we only managed to just get 3 people on our grades team, my mum forced me to join a club, and Kurtis was bribed by free food?

Teacher: Positive thoughts! At least (me) wrote most of your speeches!

Me: So much motivation.

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